Archive for January, 2008

30
Jan

Super Bowl Ad: FOX Bans “Beaver”…and News

It seems that FOX, the network television channel that use to be known for its edginess, has turned the corner, so to speak, and become one of the dinosaurs it started out putting in their place when it first aired what seems like so, so long ago. Indeed, when FOX first went on the air, it was chalk full of cutting edge shows featuring the latest in technological advances. With shows like the Simpsons and…Simpsons reruns, many people thought it was too racy to gain mainstream attention.

By sticking to their cartoonish themes on such programs as the news, FOX has always upheld the principles expounded upon by owner Rupert Murdoch, who boldly stated in 1986 that, “The only rules that we will enforce on these programs is they must have taste, they must be engaging, they must be entertaining and they must be original.”

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I rarely watch the news these days, except to find out what it is the powers that be want me to think about so that I may educate myself accordingly, but I have found myself staring exasperatingly at the tube once or twice, in awe at the rubbish that passes for news on American television in general - and FOX in particular.

FOX news certainly does have taste…a bad one that stays in the mouth afterwards. Engaging, yes, it is that. And it certainly does entertain, as that is primarily all it is about - entertainment. If news was meant to mean something that does not actually show what is going on in the world and is meant to leave its viewers feeling simultaneously frightened of the outside world (one that only exists as far as the nearest border) and warm and cozy and safe inside one’s home (where one should not ever leave without protection), than FOX is fulfilling its other obligation to Murdoch. Its news is original. No one else is saying anything like it.

It is a good thing, too, that the nightly news is entirely made up original, as they apparently have no one on staff who can come up with an idea for a show that is remotely original. What are their biggest hits. American Idol? Real original, that talent show with idiot judges. Prison Break? I never, ever would have thought of that. How exciting.

A dance show?? A bunch of game shows? Oooh, oooh, I know. I know. How about a medical show? Already have one? Mmmmm, how about we take an old movie that had a cool concept and was really popular, with big stars, and make a spin-off show about some aspect of it and fill it with actors no one knows and have them say the cheesiest lines we can think of? No, that won’t work. Well, terminate me then, I don’t have anything for you.

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FOX does have cartoons, though, and those are good. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it isn’t the fact that their shows suck wind. Maybe it is just that the acting is so bad, or the writing. Who knows. This has gone on too long anyways.

The point was supposed to be that FOX will basically say anything on its “news” programs, which are really just mostly commentary from the talking heads they have hired, but they will not allow people to say the name of the Canadian national animal on TV.

Even in an ad by GoDaddy during the Super Bowl? Nope, not even for $2.7 million. Now, GoDaddy is known for its risque ads, for sure, but can saying the name of an animal make their ads more risque than the breasts and pouty lips and half off blouses on hotties? Doubtful. Very doubtful. You can find out though, as GoDaddy will be showing the ad on their website during the Super Bowl.

Can you imagine now? If a TV network in some foreign country somewhere on the map - and i don’t even know where, so don’t ask - would not allow the people on that network to say “Eagle,” there could be a war. Yes, another one; it would be worth it.

I know it seems silly to think that someone would say, “You can’t say that on television,” but it has happened, and the people of that country that sits just North (up) of America on the map, must be pretty peeved. I have it from an authority that’s on high that Canadian television will show how upset they are by allowing people to still say “Eagle,” they just won’t be able to say it is “bald.”

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29
Jan

Cowboys’ TO Owe(n)s The Eagles, Says Arbitrator

Terrible Omens, the many-dropped-passes receiver for the golfing Dallas Cowboys, has reportedly had an arbitration ruling go against him in a grievance with the Philadelphia Eagles, wherein the Eagles were attempting to get back $1.725 million of his $2.3 million signing bonus that whiny brat was paid when he signed with the Eagles in 2004.

When, in 2005, Philadelphia suspended the mentally challenged man-child - who has often led the NFL in dropped passes - they also did not pay him for the rest of the season. He was suspended for being a selfish prick whose conduct was detrimental to the team. He has been basically known as a cancer by most teams since then, but, in his stint with the Cowboys, seems to have found almost the right mixture of meds to keep his mouth shut most of the time.

Maybe the ruling, which requires him to repay another $769, 120 to the Eagles, will cause more tears to flow from TO, as they recently did after the Cowboys became the first top-seeded NFC team since the 1970 merger to lose in the Divisional round of the playoffs. Considering the lack of respect this human has shown others throughout his life and his tendency to wait until others are down before he kicks them - like a high school bully - here’s to hoping so.

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Here’s also to hoping there is not even one more reason to discuss Terrible Omens, ever. Although I suspect that we’ll have something soon.

Join FanYard now, and keep track of all games - and picks on them - in perpetuity! Get your picks and thoughts in for this Sundays Super Bowl XLII, where the New England Patriots will try to end their perfect season by beating the New York Giants in Glendale, Arizona. Kickoff is at 6:20 p.m. EST. The Yardstick for the Super Bowl favors the Patriots at time of writing, by eight points.

28
Jan

Super Bowl Predictions and Other Such Nonsense

After another long and arduous season of watching football and cheering and screaming and jumping, cursing, layghing, crying, hand-wringing and dancing, we fans should all be hoping for a safe and close, exciting Super Bowl. I know I am. However…and this is not NFL smack talk, just a feeling.

It has become apparent to me that people are a tad scared about the New England Patriots losing this Super Bowl XLII game to the New York Giants this coming Sunday in Glendale, Arizona. New England fans, that is, seem scared…just a little bit. It is as if all the energy spent cheering for the perfect season and the perfect (so far) playoffs has drained many fans of the ability to continue to sustain the full-on hope and belief that the real, live and here-and-now perfect season in the NFL could actually come to its logical fruition in less than a week’s time.

The biggest Patriots fan I have ever met told me this evening that he feels something “somewhere down in my cockles, you know?” (No, I don’t know, really, what a cockle even is. Nor do I want to.) He said would not be shocked were New England to do the unthinkable and lose to the Giants. I told him that I, too, had felt this way when New York beat Green Bay in Antarctic conditions after having just pulled the horse out from under the Dallas Cowboys in Jerry Jones’ house just a week before.

Now, however, I feel that I would be surprised if the Giants were to win this game. Shocked, I think, would actually be a very large understatement. I don’t mean to take anything away from the Giants. What they have accomplished this year is almost right up to a distant second compared to the season Belichick and New England is having. I still think Green Bay is the better overall team. They just had a bad day. Even a genius can sometimes do poorly on a test. That’s why many college professors don’t put much emphasis on single-day tests. Instead, they look at how the student does overall, in different aspects of the course, throughout the year.

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While the Giants have definitely gotten better as the season has progressed and deserve to be in the spot they are in, considering the adversity they had to battle through to get to the Super Bowl, I just have this sinking feeling that they are like the Giants team that last went to the Super Bowl, and could very well be at least as outmatched. That New York squad was beaten down by the Baltimore Ravens in 2001 and the final score was 34-7. I do expect this Giants team to be able to score more than a touchdown. It is just that I expect this Patriots team to score more than 34 points, too.

Usually, if I spit something like this out in public, the football gods take their revenge by proving me entirely wrong. So I am saying that I think they will turn out to be more like the Atlanta Falcons of 1999; the Chargers of 1995; the Buffalo Bills. I say this because now I can’t lose. If I am right…well, it is what I feel. If I am wrong, then we get a great game and the underdog gets to add another chapter of greatness to the New York Giants Championship History. I wish them the best.

Right now, the FanYard community thinks the game will be closer than I do. The Yardstick for the Super Bowl favors the Undefeateds by just a touchdown, with 74% calling for a New England victory.

26
Jan

Missouri Tigers Blogger Having Huge Sale!

Follow these directions. Go to MissouriTigers.com and scroll down to the posting for Tuesday, January 15, 2008, then start reading this blog in an upwards manner. You’ll be glad you did, as I am glad our Jabberhead friends over at FootballJabber pointed it out to me a few days ago.

Basically, Mizzou tried to shake down a lawyer they educated years ago and who had already tried to do the University a favor by trying to give them the thing they are were now demanding from him. It is pretty funny.

I would have mentioned it here at the time, but the dude who runs the site was selling his merch at a price juuusst a bit outside of my price range. However, he and the University have settled something and now all his shirts, hats and even thong undies are ON SALE FOR $70,000 OFF!!!!

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You will never find a better deal, except for if you JOIN FanYard NOW and start making picks for NCAA Men’s Basketball games!  Trust me. I could be the President. And Presidents never, ever, ever, ever tell a lie to their people. Ever. Not even once.

25
Jan

If Hitler Was A Dallas Cowboys Fan

I just finished reading a great novel about the last half year or so of the Second World War and specifically about the downfall of that madman, Adolf Hitler and the fall of his Reich. The book was called BERLIN: The Downfall 1945 by Antony Beevor. Parts of the book reminded me of a movie I saw a few years ago called “Downfall” in English.

It is a German / Austrian production, entirely subtitled and one of the most powerful films I have ever seen. Bruno Ganz, the Swiss actor who played Hitler, should have won an Oscar for his performance as the washed-up, demented lunatic at the head of the German war machine. Downfall was nominated for a Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film of the Year, but Ganz was overlooked in favor of American actors.

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The movie and the book are both quite historically accurate as far as I can tell, and if you have never delved into this section of history, these two pieces of media will not bore you like many historical items. The fact that both are based upon things that actually happened only serve to make them even more chilling.

At least that is what I got out of them. They kept my interest, which meant I remember more about them than most of the stuff I ever took in a history class. And that was the point for me, as my buddy Sean is obsessed with referencing things to war and especially WWII. Its like he is some sort of war historian or something. Now I know a bit more of WTF he is talking about when he goes off on one of his tangents.

Anyway, this dude took a clip from the Downfall movie and changed the subtitles to reflect what might have been said if the end of the German Third Reich was happening right now, with Hitler being a mad Dallas Cowboys fan. Hilarious! You will be reading four letter words, so be warned. Plus, you’ll be listening to Germanic ranting, also be warned.

Here’s the clip:

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24
Jan

Fair Weather Fans - What To Do?

If you are like me, you like to watch, and listen to, as many NFL games as possible over the course of the season. There are some games, of course, that you will mainly just watch, because you can’t stand listening to Bryant Gumbel anymore. Or Phil Simms’ southern drawl is starting to give you epilepsy. Sometimes, you mute the television simply due to the fact that there is no actual game analysis going on any more and the awful announcers are merely verbally fellating one of their hype-stars like Tom Brady or Brett Favre or Champ Bailey.

Now, I like these guys, too, but I can only listen to John Madden or Joe Buck spout man-love so much before I start to dry heave a little bit, and no one wants to watch football with me dry heaving in the corner.

Where is this going?

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Oh right…the point is that we put up with all the things we don’t like so much, yet we are still focused on the games. We are still watching and paying attention. Some people do not pay attention. And that is why we don’t often watch football with them. They are the people we ‘forgot’ to call. The people who do not watch the games and would never, ever care a damn about doing an awesome NFL Mock Draft just for fun. These are the people who think that their role in watching football with us is to discuss everything under the sun except the game going on that we are trying to watch.

But, now the Super Bowl is coming up, and everyone knows about it.

Since the NFL gave us two weeks to hype the thing, even my grandfather knows about it and I have to talk to him through a psychic. The trouble is that everyone wants to use the Super Bowl as an excuse to get together and hang out and talk and laugh and play games and drink and smoke and cook and eat and maybe even throw a ball around outside and bring the girls and invite the dogs and cats and eat some more and holler and catch up on old times and…do everything except watch the effin’ game!

So, we have this conundrum, myself and my buddy Jeff, who actually enjoys watching, and listening to, the broadcast, as I do. He and I have hung out every Sunday and some Saturdays and even a few Thursdays, too, watching every game we can, all season long. We are loyal. We have no choice.

Now our friends want to invade on the holiest of NFL days and distract us from the biggest game of the year. Of course, we will let them. They are our friends, and we love them. If they could all be like Jeff’s girlfriend, Sheila, who sometimes watches and sometimes reads, but is thoughtful and kind enough to ask questions that actually pertain to the game once in a while, we’d love them even more.

But they do not do this. It seems they feel the time to begin a discussion about the relativity of the size of celestial objects to the size of the Earth, or the number of people who have ever been to a football game, or the direction of new energy sources is as soon as the commercials end. How does this happen to people?? Where were they brought up?

But how would you suggest we make it known that we are going to pay attention to the game without hurting their feelings? Put a bunch of chairs in the kitchen and big signs around the living room reading:

“Quiet Zone, Unless Cheering or Talking About the Play That Either Just Happened or Is About to Happen, or Unless It Is Halftime, During Which The TV Will Be Muted, Except During the Commercials, or Unless You Ask For A TiVo TimeOut, Two of Which Are Allotted Per Guest Per Half?”

I am sure we are not the only ones facing this dilemma. Help. Tell me what we should do…

24
Jan

Super Bowl Predictions, Ads and Records

Every Super Bowl, records are set and hearts are broken. Super Bowl XLII in Glendale, Arizona this February 3rd will be no different. Both teams, the New England Patriots and the New York Giants, have already set all time NFL winning records this season, breaking many hearts along the way, including every heart within a 96.7-mile radius of Lambeau Field, Wisconsin, and every player on, coach, friend or relative of, and champagne supplier for the ‘72 Miami Dolphins.

The Giants have not lost a road playoff game since the season opener, when they went down to the scene of their Divisional Playoff victory and lost to the NFC’s eventual top seeded Dallas Cowboys. In winning their next ten road games, they set an NFL record for most consecutive road wins.

The Patriots, as you may have read or heard, have become the first 18-0 team. They completed the first-ever 16-0 regular season and have won their first two playoff games of the year to reach the Super Bowl. There are a bunch of other records they set too: most points, most TDs. And there were too many broken individual records and team records to mention. They were good, suffice it to say. Very, very good.

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There are, however, many questions heading into this game. The Patriots peaked early, but too early? The Giants are peaking right now. Is some of the thanks for that owed to the Patriots for playing for that perfect record and forcing Giants Coach Tom Coughlin’s hand, making him have to play his own starters or risk a player mutiny, with the end result being a very confident team entering the playoffs?

Who knows? Instead of discussing things that have no answer, here are some Super Bowl Predictions that might come true:

1) Peyton Manning, who avoided the Green Bay game - so he would not jinx his little brother, according to him - will show up at the Super Bowl, in a box, with the parent Mannings. The football gods will wonder why Peyton would not want to jinx his brother in a conference title game, but not mind that he might do the same in the Super Bowl. They will realize he lied about the jinx and simply did not want to go to Green Bay because he hates the cold. This will upset the football gods. Peyton will, thus, jinx his little brother in the Super Bowl.

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2) Bill Belichick will get a memo from the football gods as soon as they see through Peyton Manning’s ruse. His offering to the gods will be to blitz the younger Manning. Lots. Early. Something very different from what the Pats have been doing lately. It will be effective and throw Eli off his game, appeasing the gods and ensuring a perfect season for New England.

3) Wes Welker, a fan, critic and Brady favorite all year long, but who has missed out on all the most popular valuable awards, will win the MVP of the game. His 12 catches for 134 yards and 2 scores should do the trick.

4) Halftime performer and former Los Angeles Lakers dancer Paula Abdul will have a talent/career malfunction that will disguise itself as a song and dance routine that would not make it onto the first episode of even the worst American Idol joke show. Simon Cowell will love it. Randy Jackson…not so much. The rest of the planet with IQ scores above 100 still won’t care one little, tiny bit. In fact, they will not have watched it. They learned to turn the halftime show off years ago.

5) Three of the products/services advertised for $90,000 per second during Super Bowl XLII will not even exist in 24 months.

6) In 24 months, even with the coming recession, Super Bowl ads will cost more and be more dynamic, meaning they will cost more to produce.

7) The single product with the most ads in the Super Bowl will be for the single worst product being marketed. Still, Bud Light sales will rise.

8). The Yardstick for Super Bowl XLII will be spot on!

22
Jan

No San Diego Chargers Super Bowl, Ever?

This team can’t win even when it is winning. I think they may be doomed. It was obvious when Marty Schottenheimer was the head coach that they would never amount to anything but teases for their fans. But that tricky Norv Turner really had some people fooled for, um, about one or two weeks.

Some of us actually thought that maybe, just maybe, Turner was all of a sudden sporting a pair, as he - for whatever reason - appeared somewhat manly during the game against the Colts. Of course, it could not last. The Peter Principle took its natural toll in the very next game as the Chargers, due to Turner’s unconscionable and continuous coaching decisions, stopped trying to score in New England. That moment of manliness in Indy is now long forgotten and we are left with what most of us had thought from the start.

Norv Turner is a bad, bad coach. Head coach, that is.

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If you are a Bolts fan, you should be clamoring for his release. He will not get better, and neither will your team with Turner at its helm. Of course, firing Turner would entail an admittance of incorrectness by your GM, Smith, right? Yep, it would. You have no hope. It would mean that Smith had not noticed Turner’s very recent tenure as the head coach on Oakland. Considering Oakland has not been the most football-impressive team for the past many years, that might be overlooked a little, tiny bit…if they were not in the same division. Inexcusable.

***The Jaguars had a chance in their playoff game against New England precisely because Jack Del Rio continued to show that he carries a pair of cajones around in his pants. The pair seems to have grown there sometime in this past offseason, probably right before he cut Byron Leftwich from the team, and it helped steer Del Rio to a great season when everyone had him on the hot seat before the season kicked off.

The Jacksonville - New England final score of 31-20 belies the fact that it was extremely close until the end was in sight. With less than a minute to go in the third quarter, the score was 21-17 for New England, and I don’t think anyone felt safe. Anyway, on the Jags first drive, they went for it on fourth in New England territory. And they scored. The tone was set. That meant Belichick had to play ballsy football, too. When the Patriots got the ball, they, too, went for it on fourth in Jacksonville territory. And they scored.***

The math seems simple enough, right? If you are behind, you go for it on fourth inside enemy territory - especially if you are the visiting team. In fact, if you are the visiting team, you should play as if you are down even when you are tied. No one I know advocates this more, or more eloquently, than Gregg Easterbrook of the Evil Empire ESPN in his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column. I am going to drop a quote or two from this week’s TMQ about Norv Turner and his idiotic lack of coaching skills, or knowledge of the game:
“Facing the highest-scoring team in football history, Turner punted three times inside New England territory — from the Flying Elvii [Easterbrook’s pet name for the Patriots] 36, 41 and 49.”
“Plus, Turner opted for field goals from the New England 5-, 6- and 8-yard lines.”

Turner did not even try. This team is in serious need of help. If you do not try to score at every opportunity on this season’s New England Patriots, you will not win the game. Chances are very good you will lose the game anyway, but if you do not try, you have zero hope of success. Turner does not deserve to be in the Super Bowl.

At least the Chargers have a couple things going for them:

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On another note, LT2 looked for all the world like he did not even care. I understand he was probably pouting behind that Darth Vader / Punisher mask he was wearing. I mean, I understand why he would be. I would be too, if I had come this far with this team only to realize that you could do nothing while your head coach throws away any chance you have of getting to the Super Bowl…time and time again.

Still though, every once in a while, just for the sake of it, I might have wandered over to one of my two teammates who were playing injured and either console him, or cheer him on, or offer advice, support, anything. Especially Philip Rivers, who had surgery six days before on his knee so that he might have a chance at playing in this game that the coach was not going to allow him to win no matter what. Especially Philip Rivers who, just the week prior, LT2 showed no respect for when Rivers indicated to LT2 that he was done for the day; unable to perform because of his knee.

But, that’s just me. LT was content to remain bundled up in his parka and his Darth Vader mask and not speak to anyone. And no one came over to him either. He sounds like a great teammate to have.

I can’t believe I did not notice that helmet earlier in the season.

So, the Yardstick for the Super Bowl is favoring the Patriots by ten over the New York Giants. Join FanYard and have your say about the biggest game of the year.

21
Jan

Super Bowl…Coming Right Up

Just a quick note to say that the Yardstick for the Super Bowl will be available for viewing and the game for predicting very soon on the NFL page. It is simply a matter of changing the schedule to read two weeks into the future as opposed to the normal 7-Day Schedule we default to. Now, I say easy, but I have no clue what it entails ‘behind the scenes’. Still, I can’t imagine it being too long from now before it gets fixed.

Until it is changed, however, you can still find the game by going to the Calendar and clicking on the drop-down menu “Show games in:” and select the 2008 NFL Playoffs section. The Super Bowl Yardstick is at the bottom of the page.

Here, you can also see what was predicted for the earlier ten playoffs games from this season’s playoffs. The FanYard community has been wrong on just four games, and two of those were the last two Giants wins. Could they ruin the Patriots perfect season? Join FanYard and let the world know what you think.

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18
Jan

NFL Playoff Predictions - Chargers at Patriots

 In this Saturday’s AFC title game, the San Diego Chargers will be trying to make up for the mistake made by safety Marlon McCree that cost them their playoff game at home against the Patriots. Near the end of the fourth quarter of last year’s divisional playoff game, McCree intercepted Tom Brady. On a play that should have been something he was taught in Pop Warner, McCree had the chance to win the game for his team by kneeling down with the ball, which would have then allowed his offense to take the field and run the clock out of time and New England out of the postseason.

Instead, McCree took the selfish road and took off, trying to score points that were unnecessary for the win, but which would have looked awesome on highlight reels. In doing so, he allowed a real NFL pro the opportunity to get the ball back for his Tom Brady and the offense to win the game. Veteran Patriots receiver Troy Brown ran up behind the safety who would never be allowed to wear a Patriots jersey (Think Asante Samuel would have lost the game for New England? No.) and poked the ball loose for his teammate Reche Caldwell to pick up.

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In the process of this play, McCree not only lost his team the game for his selfishness, he lost his head coach his job and took away any opportunity for the 10 Pro Bowlers on his 2006 team to have a chance at getting to the Super Bowl - a very good chance they would have had, too, considering how well they have recently played in Indianapolis.

But that was last year. Surely McCree knows better now. I mean, it is his seventh season.

Of course, a ton of the talk on this game centers around the injuries suffered by the San Diego Chargers over the past couple of weeks. Rightly so. With injuries to their starting quarterback, starting running back and starting tight end, it is hard to remember another playoff tram entering a game of this magnitude, against such a great opponent, with so much against them before the game even starts.

As good as backup running back Michael Turner is, he is no LaDainian. Still, with him there to spell LT if his knee is giving him too much trouble, the Chargers running game will still be better than most in the NFL. At quarterback, however, the problem looms very large, as there are many reasons why backup Billy Volek is just that: a backup. If Rivers can’t play, or can’t play for very long, it is going to be a very long afternoon for San Diego, regardless of whether or not Antonio Gates can play well or not.

As for the Patriots, well, you’ve probably read and watched enough about them lately. You may not have read this, however…something that was pointed out to me. In last week’s game against Jacksonville, Bill Belichick actually made an error that could have allowed the Jaguars to get a touchdown that should not have counted.

On Jacksonville’s first drive, the Jags had third-and-goal from the Patriots’ 8-yard line when David Garrard threw a touchdown pass to Matt Jones in the end zone as Garrard was falling to the ground with a few Patriots on top of him. Replyas would show that Garrard’s shin was on the ground before the football left his hand. As such, he would have been ruled down and the Jags would likely have kicked for the three points on fourth down. Had Jacksonville won this game withing a four-point margin, we’d all have heard about this play, but that was not to be.

Still, it was the first time Bill Belichick has ever made a mistake and the word on the street is that he is cracking under all the pressure of leading an undefeated team. He did have the challenge flag in his hand after all, and simply did not throw the thing in time before the Jags kicked the extra point. He thought about it and then missed the opportunity.

Did you catch that? Belichick thought? That means it was not automatic for him. Belichick doesn’t think, Belichick does. Yup, crack in the armor, for sure. Coupled with the few smiles we have actually witnessed from Iron Man these past few weeks, maybe the Chargers stand a chance after all.

What do FanYard users think about this game? Well, the Yardstick for the Chargers at Patriots is calling for an eleven-point New England victory. Looks like our friendly Jabberheads feel the same way, according to their polls so far.

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